Women Who Wear the Pants Don’t Take Them Off

couple in bed 300x240 Women Who Wear the Pants Dont Take Them OffAt least according to a new study published in the Journal of Sex Research — and who knew there was a Journal of Sex Research? Did you?  I sure didn’t.  I thought everyone learned through the Letters to the Editor of Playboy. Maybe I should reconsider my research agenda.

Anyway, according to the researchers, women who wear the pants in the family are 100 times less likely to have sex than women who share decision-making with their husbands.

I haven’t read the original article (my university would probably fire me if they caught me reading it from the university database), but it seems there are major flaws in their research.  Not the least of which is I know lots of strong women who wear the pants (or at least assert themselves effectively in household decision.

Who Wears the Pants in the Family

As baby boomers, most of us remember male-centered households.  My dad made ALL the decisions including what we ate for dinner, where we lived, what we drove, and where we went to school.  We weren’t consulted for much of anything — including deciding on a major in college (except for me; the rebellious child).

In some cultures, women made most decisions or were at least vocal in these decisions.  Some households, that’s all there were –  women.

Of course, much of this resulted because men were the breadwinners and women, if they worked at all, earned a few dollars to supplement their husband’s income.  Growing up, that seemed normal.  In fact, one of my professors in college said we were just there to get MRS. degrees — not seriously thinking of pursuing careers.

Over the years, things changed.  Now, more than 30% of women earn more than their husbands — nearly double the rate from just a generation ago.  And the recession amplified these numbers as mens’ jobs were hit harder with layoffs.

Correlation Between Decision-making and Sex

While it’s easy to jump to the conclusion that sex suffers in a relationship where women wear the pants, I’m not sure that’s an accurate interpretation of the research.  Here are some alternate explanations:

  • The study involved African women and it’s unclear whether the results would be the same among a US population.  I’m not sure why they chose to look at African women (NOT African Americans), but they said the decision-making style is more clear-cut there involving either joint decision-making or female dominant decisions.
  • Women may assert their right to say NO more often.  Hence they’re having less sex because they WANT less sex.
  • Women maybe stepping out more when they make more, according to an article in Bloomberg (and you can certainly ask the question why this conservative business magazine is talking about sex).

Your Turn

What do you think?  Maybe the whole thing is just a spurious correlation — meaning that sex and who wears the pants don’t really have any relationship.

 

Dating After 40 is Different: Challenges and Conflicts

older couple1 300x199 Dating After 40 is Different: Challenges and ConflictsSometimes, folks who’ve been married for years just look at each other one day and wonder why they’re still together.  Sometimes, as you get the kids ready for college or lives on their own, you find there’s nothing left to talk about.  Of maybe one of you changed, or never changed the way you’d hoped they would.  Maybe one spouse died.  Regardless of the how, more folks over 40 are finding themselves looking for a new partner and dating after 40 is REALLY different from when we were dating in our 20s.

We’ve Changed, So Dating After 40 is Different

We’re no longer the young, thin kids we were in our 20s.  We may not have all our hair and what we have may be gray, but we’re still attractive folks.  Our bodies may have morphed somewhat, but we have character.  Many of us probably look even better now than we did and we’re certainly a lot more comfortable in our own skin.  Our skin is clear now and, even if we’re sporting a few wrinkles, they give us a certain elegance.

We’re secure in our careers and know who we are.  No longer are we searching for who we are or what we want in a partner.  We’re also smart enough to know we can’t hope to change someone into the person we hope they’ll become.  What you see is what you get.

We’re intelligent and experienced.  We know how to change a tire and fix a leaky faucet (even if that means calling someone to do it).

But, we may not always feel our confident, successful, attractive selves — especially when trying to find someone to date.

Dating after 40 is different because WE’RE different.  We don’t need someone to complete us and we don’t need someone to take care of us.  We just want someone we enjoy being with.  We have mortgages and car payments.  We may have health issues, job stress, and other issues.  We’re busy people and even finding time to meet and date may be challenging.

We’re Not Alone, So Dating After 40 is Different

We have kids and, even if those kids are only home on holidays, they’re still a major part of our lives and dating after 40 means accommodating their needs.  And, while you might think kids in the midst of their own dating angst would be more aware of what you’re going through — the opposite seems to be closer to the truth.  Adult children can be much more resentful of a new person in their lives and, if there are substantial assets, they may be concerned about how a new relationship affects their financial well-being.

Role reversals are common with adult children, regardless of your relationship status.  They feel they need to take care of you and may not feel the person you’re dating is right for you or is treating you well enough. While this can be sweet, it’s also a source of conflict between you and your kids.

If your kids are still home, likely they’re teenagers which means trying to find time for an adult relationship while existing in the maelstrom that is teenage rebellion.

The World Around Us Changed, So Dating After 40 is Different

When we were dating, men commonly asked women out on dates, suggested where to go, picked us their date, then paid for the evening.  Today, the whole dating system is fluid.  Women may be the aggressor — asking the man for his phone number and calling for the date.  More commonly now, dating couples share expenses either splitting the tab or alternating who pays for things.  Commonly, the couple meet somewhere rather than being picked up at home.

Certainly, the sexual side of the relationship is different now than in the 70s when we were dating.  Now, everyone has to contend with a variety of sexually transmitted diseases that we didn’t worry much about in the free love days of our youth.  Practicing safe sex requires knowing how to use a condom and carrying one.  Also, sexual dysfunction is more of an issue now than when we were 20 something and may require some ingenuity and tact.

 

Your Turn

What do you see as the challenges and conflicts inherent in dating after 40?

Have you been successful at dating after 40?

What advice would you give other baby boomers struggling with dating after 40?

 

 

 

Drugs Can Interfere With Your Sexual Health

Face it — we’re not kids anymore and many things interfere with intimacy — financial troubles, careers, kids, decreased health and energy levels, obesity and body image, sometimes even a little boredom.  Some accept less sex as a normal part of the aging process as a result of hormones that peak in early adulthood and decline rapidly, especially after menopause.  But, did you know prescription drugs can lead to decreased libido or sexual function (ie. vaginal dryness, erectile dysfunction).  Well, they can.

Here’s the lowdown on drugs likely to affect your sexual health (source WebMD):

  1. Erectile Dysfunction contributing drugs (some but not all contribute to ED)
    1. High blood pressure drugs
    2. Antidepressants and anti anxiety drugs
    3. Chemotherapy drugs
    4. NSAIDS (pain relievers)
    5. Parkinson treatments
    6. Anti-Histamines
    7. Muscle relaxants
    8. Heartburn medications
  2. Vaginal Dryness contributing drugs
    1. Allergy and cold medications
    2. Chemotherapy drugs
    3. Anti-estrogen drugs
  3. Libido lowering drugs
    1. Birth control pills (I guess they have a dual effect in reducing unwanted pregnancies)
    2. Antidepressants
    3. High blood pressure drugs

Solutions

  • Try a different drug, not all drugs in a class lead to the same effect on sexual health.  For instance, Benadryl may lead to ED, but other antihistamines such as Claritin and Zyrtec may not.  There’s also an individual response, so even if one drug leads to reduced sexual health another listed as having the effect may not. (always check with your Dr. before switching drugs).
  • Try to eliminate drugs (again, check with your Dr.).  Making lifestyle changes may eliminate your need for certain drugs. For instance, losing weight may eliminate your need for high blood pressure drugs, a leading cause of sexual health problems in both men and women.  Eliminating carpets, stuffed animals, and other fabrics from your home may reduce your need for allergy drugs.
  • Reduce alcohol consumption and avoid illegal drugs as these may confound the effects of prescription medications on sexual health.
  • Try homeopathic alternatives. Check with your Dr, but some drugs have homeopathic alternatives that don’t have the same negative effects on sexual health (you may have to find a Dr familiar and comfortable with homeopathics to use this option).
  • More drugs. Drugs are available to treat ED and vaginal dryness.  These drugs come with their own side-effects, so I don’t really recommend this alternative unless all other options have failed.
  • Create closeness in other ways. Sexual health is considered important to maintaining healthy relationships.  However, many couples find other ways to keep their relationship vital, including nurturing other ways of closeness such as holding hands, cuddling, taking a bath together …  Some therapists believe it’s the feeling of being loved and cherished that is the important part of relationship building, not the sexual component.

If you feel unhappy with your sex life, consult your physician for help. Most physicians do not ask about sexual health during a normal examination, but most are happy to discuss solutions with you.

You’re also welcome to discuss the issue with our community.  We may not be experts, but many of us are facing the same problems as you.

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