Baby Boomers: Dating Again

August 2, 2011 by 5 Comments
old man1 199x300 Baby Boomers: Dating Again

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More baby boomers are out their dating again.

High divorce rates, even among couples married for decades create newly single baby boomers interested in finding someone.

And, social norms are changing.  In the past, people in their 40′s and 50′s who lost a spouse would live alone the rest of their lives.  Today, more of these folks look forward to filling that empty space.  Here’s how one baby boomer looks at finding love again after the death of her companion:

My happily married family and friends keep telling me to forget men and just enjoy my “do whatever I please” single lifestyle — advice I find insensitive when they’ve never had to live without love, intimacy, or someone special to spend weekends with.

Whatever the reason, more baby boomers are looking for relationships.

But, their options for finding that special someone are limited.  Young adults are constantly surrounded by eligible singles in classes, nightclubs, parties ….  The options are more limited — as they commonly run into few eligible singles.  It’s especially difficult for single women as many man seem to prefer women much younger and society isn’t as accepting of women with much younger men unless you’re Demi Moore.

After my divorce I was approached by guys in their 20′s and, frankly, while it’s flattering, it’s just not reality.  What do you talk about when you lack those shared experiences?  You have different lifestyles, I’m certainly NOT going back to babies now that my kids are all grown and I don’t enjoy “clubbing”.  We have different ideas of what’s fun.  I’m not going to go camping and sleep on the ground == you’d need a crane to lift me back up on the morning.  And we have different energy levels — not that I need a nap in the afternoon, but it’s pretty nice if you can get one.

Here’s some advice for you baby boomers dating again:

  • Get comfortable in your skin.  You’re not 19 again and you never will be.  Face it.  But, neither are the folks you’re dating, unless you’re into that May December thing, which I never did get.  Take a few classes at the gym to build up your self-confidence and add a little tone.
  • Tell people you’re interested in dating again.  Especially if your partner died, people will feel uncomfortable suggesting possible matches.  Let people know when you’re ready and don’t cling to some notion that there’s a certain amount of time before you can start dating.  I would wait until after the funeral (just kidding), but only YOU know when you’re ready to date.
  • Explore options for meeting people.  Church, civic organizations, classes, the gym … are all good places to meet new people.  Build a network of people from both genders to provide support and prospects.  Even if you don’t meet the love of your life in these places, you’ll have fun.  Online dating is becoming more prevalent in all age groups and there are special online dating sites for baby boomers.  In fact, baby boomers are the fastest growing group of online daters.
  • Don’t stress.  Putting pressure on yourself to find someone won’t make it any easier.  Be realistic.  Don’t settle for someone just because they’re willing to go out with you.  They won’t change, so if you don’t like ‘em now, it’s not getting any better.

So, what are you’re thoughts? Let me know.

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Divorce After 40: Why So Many Are Chucking it in After Many Years

July 13, 2011 by 1 Comment
older divorce Divorce After 40: Why So Many Are Chucking it in After Many Years

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If you’ve been following my Tweets, you’ve seen me tweet several recent studies showing a DRAMATIC increase in the divorce rate for those over 40. So, I decided to investigate more about this trend in divorce after 40.  According to a study by the AARP:

couples who experienced a divorce in their 40s, 50s, or 60s, the conclusion was that individuals experiencing later-life divorce ended up “far happier and emotionally healthier than most would have dared to hope at the outset.

 

Surprisingly, according to the same study, women are the ones calling it quits, not men — with 66% of divorces initiated by the wife.

And, the phenomenon has crossed the pond where the rate of divorce after 40 has increased by a third in just 4 years.

Why Wait Until 40 – 50 or 60 to Divorce?

Well, for 1 reason excuses for not getting a divorce are evaporating.

  • Couples who stayed together ‘for the kids” find they don’t have that excuse anymore with kids going off to college or beginning their own lives and careers. Plus, a couple with marital problems find it uncomfortable in the same house without the distraction of the kids.  They sit across from each other at the dinner table with nothing to talk about and are thrown together more time together since they don’t have to rush off for carpool or sporting events.
  • Finances are the second most common reason couples don’t divorce.  At a certain age, women feel more financially secure in their careers (and don’t forget we are the first generation of women to have careers) and money needs diminish after the kids are gone and the house paid for.

Why Divorce After 40?

  • Sometimes the couple simply drift apart, like Tipper and Al Gore, who we thought would stay happily joined until death.
  • More often, divorce is a result of infidelity, such as with Arnold Schwartzenegger and Maria Shriver or John and Elizabeth Edwards.  Newt Gingrich has 2 divorces under his belt.
  • Often, as mentioned in an earlier post, the flame has gone out and there’s no passion left in the marriage.
  • Sometimes folks divorce after 40 because of drug, alcohol, or other addictions like gambling.

Starting Over When You Divorce After 40

Yes, you can.  I divorced at 39 (OK, so it wasn’t technically a divorce after 40) in the middle of my PhD program with 3 small kids (we started late and had serious infertility problems).  It was hard, but it was easier than staying married.  I grew a lot after my divorce, and probably growth before my divorce contributed to the divorce.

Lots of other women report similar satisfaction with a divorce after 40, despite problems with dating in a society favoring young, buxom women.

Many folks turn to online dating as a way to meet people when they divorce after 40. That’s how I met my current love — and we’ve been together for 2 years (our anniversary is this week).  According to a study for Matchmaker, nearly 5 times as many folks over 40 use online dating as those between 18 and 24, maybe because it’s harder for folks over 40 to meet singles when they divorce.  Also, more singles over 40 prefer younger folks than folks their own age.  So, online dating makes a lot of sense.

 

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Finding Love After 40: Increase in Online Dating

June 10, 2011 by 9 Comments

older couple1 300x199 Finding Love After 40: Increase in Online Dating

According to USAToday, nearly 1/3 of the 127 million people over 40 are single and finding love after 40 poses a unique set of challenges.

Face it — it’s not easy finding love after 40.

  • Everyone we know is already married - falling in love with a married man is just bad form.
  • Men our age want women (girls) in their 20′s
  • Most of what’s available have more baggage than a jumbo jet
  • We’re wrapped up in busy lives full of career demands, children, aging parents, bills …  We don’t have time to meet someone
  • We don’t meet new people in the course of our day

 

Yet, unlike in previous generations, singles over 40 aren’t willing to accept being single forever.  Whether a result of divorce or death, these over 40 singles want to find love — although marriage may no longer be important.

Finding Love After 40

To many, online dating offers hope for finding love after 40; something they’re having trouble finding in more traditional venues.  Getting set up by your friends or hanging out in bars offers little hope of finding love after 40.  Neither does getting active in groups around you since most members of these groups are either 1) the same gender or 2) married already.

After my divorce, I didn’t want to be alone — most of the last few years of my marriage were spend alone either physically or emotionally.  I was ready to meet someone to have fun with, to share with, and to care about me.  But, I wasn’t meeting anyone.  I started hanging out in some clubs that catered to an older crowd — I was only 40, but most clubs seemed to cater to 20 somethings.  These places seemed like “meat markets” where folks showed up hoping to find someone to sleep with and didn’t hold out much hope for finding love after 40.

Plus, I didn’t have time to find someone I could love.  I was getting my PhD while raising 3 small children (2-8).  I was pretty much alone, since my family was all a thousand miles away and most of our “friends” didn’t want an extra single hanging around.  I was stressed, broke (my ex viewed his child support obligation as optional), and miserable.  Until someone suggested online dating.

 

Online Dating After 40

Well, online dating was exciting.  It was like you’d just walked into a buffet with all these tempting options laid out in front of you.  The biggest choice was where to start.  Unfortunately, the reality is far different.

Many of those posting to online dating sites are married.  Most don’t tell you this, instead listing themselves as single.  Others will come right out and tell you they’re married, but want a little something on the side — some of these are in sexless marriages, but that’s a topic for another day.

Often they were nothing like they presented themselves in their online ad.  Not just physically, but in other ways, too.  It’s like that song by Brad Paisley where the guy is “so much cooler online” (by the way, if you don’t know the song, check out the hilarious music video.  You’ll love it even if you don’t like country music).

Just like in the music video, it was fun to “have a three-way” talking to multiple guys at the same time online.  But, when it came to meeting any of them — I really wasn’t that interested.  I’d never been on a blind date in my life and was afraid things would turn out badly.  Eventually, I went out with a few of them — some coffee or lunch.  Mostly 1 date wonders.  I still wasn’t finding love after 40.

 

Your Turn

So, now its your turn.  Have you tried online dating to find love after 40? If so, what were your experiences like?

 

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